Today, walking through Wood Green high street, I saw a guy putting on what appeared to be gardening gloves. Slightly odd, as he didn’t look like he was about to garden. But then gloves are always a bit odd. Mainly because they’re usually worn by criminals*. You can tell a lot from somebody’s decision to wear gloves, which I shall elaborate upon:
- Latex gloves – convenient for the murderer who needs to blend in quickly after the crime. Easily disposed of. Also possibly useful for medical types. Who may also be murderers.
- Tight leather gloves – murderers only.
- Big leather gloves – murderers and chauffeurs. Who may also commit murder for their employers. Or be inexplicably murdered themselves.
- Wooly gloves/mittens – acceptable on children. Although really disappointing in snow, as any attempt to produce projectiles with which to bombard siblings leaves them soggy in seconds. Since they are for children, on adults they must immediately arouse suspicion. Although not really of a potential killer (too much risk of leaving fibres in the wound?). Probably a barrator, then.
- Furry gloves – makes me think of puppets. So some form of fraudulent.
- Gardening gloves – friend of a killer. Useful for helping to dispose of the bodies. Or possibly a gardener, but this does cover for access to a wide selection of weapons.
Anyway, in summary, you should be extremely suspicious of anybody wearing gloves, as they may attack you at any moment. Then again, so might somebody not wearing gloves. And that’s an even scarier prospect, since you can’t spot them. Basically, assume that anybody you don’t know is up to something. And *know* that anybody you know definitely is.
I don’t know why I harbour such suspicion of the wearing of gloves, but there you go. Don’t wear them myself, unless necessary. Like when I’m actually gardening.
*this may not be strictly true.